I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
