I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
