You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
