Do you still have your period?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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