Only a mothe r could love this liver
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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