his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
this is an emotional support booty call
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
