I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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