Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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