So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
