It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
