i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
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i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
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The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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