This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
