I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
