I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
