So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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