Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
