I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
