I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
