so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
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I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
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This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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