I met the friendliest cop last night
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
