my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
