Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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