So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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