Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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