i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
