Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
