so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
