for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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