ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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