gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
