Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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