Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her