I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.