she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
