The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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