so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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