Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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