WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
