I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
