I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
