Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
