If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
