it wasn't lemon gatorade
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"