my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.