I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
