Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
