can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
When are your genitals available?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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