just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
