Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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