i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
