Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
