He is such a slut. More and more my type.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
