Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
