So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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