I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
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I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
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This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
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