Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
