Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
