Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
