i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
