i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
