If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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